Growing up Fearless

I wish more people could see the small moments for the large joys they are.  The soft looks of love through the light beaming in the window at night as you lay there discussing the day  The way your heart fills as you laugh at jokes The quiet drive to work when he reaches over and holds your hand  The discussion of chores he was doing to make your life easier  Texting silliness that no one should read  In a span of 24 hours my infinite supply of love for my husband grew.  Shining a light on them as they happen is the only way to survive long term

 I haven’t written for several days.  I am unsure if it’s the thought that my birthday is coming up and 49 is weighing on me heavily or if I simply have slipped into a coma of medicating with the television.  Today though was a heavy day .   19  Was the age she got her first horse  It coincidentally was the age of her horse too She was a black beauty , tall and shiny am with ears a little to big , the girl tiny and full of youth confidence  In the early days the young girl came and rode .  But her black beauty was pensive and quiet  Then the black mare  started consistently saying she didn’t want to be ridden The girl thought it was just an old horse being an old horse and Gave  up on her.   What was daily turned into once or twice weekly visits Until they found her biting at her stomach on the ground in her paddock  With rotted food in her gut . They tried to save her but today was her last day.  The girls mother took the mare out to grasss and let her eat her fill… Her girl didn’t sh

 Some days I can’t write my novel .. so I write here .  Today is one of those days .  Just a thought:  Saturday :  I sat deep in my seat  Feeling the sway of his forward walk  My legs hugging his round barrel body  And feeling the happiness at the width The leaves are just starting to turn yellow  Hanging over the beaver dam As we made our way deeper into the quiet backroad The air has a slight crisp of fall riding through the branches  And with every crinkle he looks for the foe we might need to flee  Until we have walked  so far that we are both tired  And turn home in quiet serenity 

 My moment of melancholy is over. It passed uneventfully.  Today I am rejuvenated with listening to motivational speeches and thinking of what I really want in life. Happiness invaded my weekend and I thought of those I love the most riding among the changing leaves. Why do we not teach and support each other that moments of winter all hit our soul. That it is temporary and shouldn’t last long. Why don’t we discuss with each other those emotions that hurt ? Possibly because it’s often  times hard to look at tough things .   We have to train ourselves to see the beauty in the hard .. we have to settle into the joys of hardship and know that the spring of opportunity is coming  by and not to wasted.  I am so lucky to be surrounded by so much good that it out weighs the hard …  And today I can see it . 

 I haven’t written for days as I had surgery and have sunken into a bit of melancholy. I have written some of the actual book I am trying to write and it was complete crap.  I am working but barely and watching my children feel like a complete failure.  I don’t see the point of me  In a vast world of miracles I certainly am not of of them  Mediocre and blasé  I try and fail  Try and fail  Try and fail  Until I am left wondering why ? What’s the point of me ?  Was it to give a home to my brindle pound puppy ?  Was it to love my lame chestnut gelding ?  Was it to raise three selfish and self centered kids ? Or was it simply to love my husband who was alone in this world until I shoved in .  What’s the point of being good and having morals and being unappreciated?  Why work so hard when you would be replaced within a week ?  If I didn’t reach out , who would reach for me ?

 Today is a personal post … it makes me happy to support people’s dreams ! I love when someone posts their new business , their writing , their drawings , their video. Every time I see these , I try to watch or purchase if possible their piece of life.  It’s such a small way to make someone happy and the thought of making them happy makes me happy.  I have really been exhausted as of late a but more cranky and on edge . I had decided today to try and get myself under control. To force happiness on myself until I can’t see anything different . I have been given an amazing life and need to ensure I am looking at it .