Growing up Fearless

 Some days I can’t write my novel .. so I write here .  Today is one of those days .  Just a thought:  Saturday :  I sat deep in my seat  Feeling the sway of his forward walk  My legs hugging his round barrel body  And feeling the happiness at the width The leaves are just starting to turn yellow  Hanging over the beaver dam As we made our way deeper into the quiet backroad The air has a slight crisp of fall riding through the branches  And with every crinkle he looks for the foe we might need to flee  Until we have walked  so far that we are both tired  And turn home in quiet serenity 

 My moment of melancholy is over. It passed uneventfully.  Today I am rejuvenated with listening to motivational speeches and thinking of what I really want in life. Happiness invaded my weekend and I thought of those I love the most riding among the changing leaves. Why do we not teach and support each other that moments of winter all hit our soul. That it is temporary and shouldn’t last long. Why don’t we discuss with each other those emotions that hurt ? Possibly because it’s often  times hard to look at tough things .   We have to train ourselves to see the beauty in the hard .. we have to settle into the joys of hardship and know that the spring of opportunity is coming  by and not to wasted.  I am so lucky to be surrounded by so much good that it out weighs the hard …  And today I can see it . 

 I haven’t written for days as I had surgery and have sunken into a bit of melancholy. I have written some of the actual book I am trying to write and it was complete crap.  I am working but barely and watching my children feel like a complete failure.  I don’t see the point of me  In a vast world of miracles I certainly am not of of them  Mediocre and blasé  I try and fail  Try and fail  Try and fail  Until I am left wondering why ? What’s the point of me ?  Was it to give a home to my brindle pound puppy ?  Was it to love my lame chestnut gelding ?  Was it to raise three selfish and self centered kids ? Or was it simply to love my husband who was alone in this world until I shoved in .  What’s the point of being good and having morals and being unappreciated?  Why work so hard when you would be replaced within a week ?  If I didn’t reach out , who would reach for me ?

 Today is a personal post … it makes me happy to support people’s dreams ! I love when someone posts their new business , their writing , their drawings , their video. Every time I see these , I try to watch or purchase if possible their piece of life.  It’s such a small way to make someone happy and the thought of making them happy makes me happy.  I have really been exhausted as of late a but more cranky and on edge . I had decided today to try and get myself under control. To force happiness on myself until I can’t see anything different . I have been given an amazing life and need to ensure I am looking at it . 

 Sitting on the deck , the air was cooler than it has been all summer.  Humidity finally was lower so the back of her hair wasn’t immediately wet at the nape of her neck and the coffee was brewed perfectly this morning . Summer was officially moving across the globe ushering in her favorite season of fall.  The green leaves were slightly less bright and looking across the lawn she could see one tree that had already started turning a slight orange. It’s felt so nice in that moment with the sun on her face and her throat warm with coffee.  Her Alexa was playing her usual 70s easy listening and it was quietly drifting out the open kitchen window and her 9 chicken girls were actively walking at their gate door to see if she was coming over to let them out for the day. She backed to a green space in the city so the wildlife activity in her yard was always high so the girls had an irregular schedule to throw off the foxes and coyotes .   She wondered if this perfect weather morning paired w

 She looked across the table at her friend on her birthday and thought 42 looks so young.  They had gone to a fancy nursery filled with exotic plants that had a cafe of salads and light sandwiches... a very girly type of cafe to celebrate her friends  42 year around the sun .  Standing at the counter they laughed because they discussing the menu both had thought to order the same exact things all the way down to the ice cream cookie sandwich !  As they sat at the table , outside in the sunshine , surrounded by fall mums and the last vestiges for summer canna a lilies. She looked at her friend and knew every moment was worth the effort.  Her brown haired friend  was an incredible woman that loves largely and went out of her way to fill in the gaps to her own shortcomings.  She discussed the foods and supplement research she had done to help my horse , we discussed people at the barn and their clique of two..  Some days when you are over worked she thought friendship and reaching out is

 We had a wonderful meeting today , the writing coach and me   She has tasked me with spending 5 timed minutes writing so fast that my thoughts of how I don’t have the right  descriptions don’t have time to catch up.  She hilariously tried to tie my lame horse to galloping across the page with written works that are free and   Unhindered and uncatchable  .. little does she know both my brain and my horse are slightly lame and working on improving.  I have come to the conclusion that she , the brilliant writer , is an amazing person.  She ,herself, is the character we hope to grow into.  That lady that is brilliant beyond most understanding and  flawed only because she imagines herself to be.  Looking through the zoom window I see perfection in the most basic human form.  The one that can see her errors and rights her wrongs. That puts joy out into the world while staring at the depths of the bleak humanity has been presenting us with daily.  I like her.  And she thinks I am funny occas

She sat in her small corner office , looking out the two Payne  window wondering how she was still here two years later.  The thought of jumping out the window had occurred to her so many times over the past few months.  every time she imagined her jump and subsequent fall from the second story.  she also imagined the look for the dental office patients below gathering  at the window as she laid there with just a few broken bones.  She was tall and the two stories were enough to actual do her in ...  this was the exact moment she realized she has to become fireable. In that 159th time of imagining pushing the office window open and perching like a beluga whale on the edge , she realized she had to make a drastic change  No more compromises on her morals. No more hiding who she was or what she thought.  Her soul screamed to jump because she had for so long smothered it with doubts and endless bills to pay. She surveyed her desk , two monitors and headphones and realized that she didn’t

 I have always been a religious person ... but it has always been between me and God.  I see him in the fields as the grass blows in the warm summer wind. I see him in the swirls of Henry’s mane.  What I am not is a corporate church goer. In my relationship with God he doesn’t give me definitive answers, he never hands me answers to my prayers in a the form I have asked him for it ... God always gives me a slow your role girl , you are flat out wrong. Adjust your eyes 👀 response.  Last night I was sitting in our leather sofa , with a slight dampness in my hair from the latest hot flash whining to my husband , who bless his heart really tries to Listen about how I failed my kids because they are not accomplishing life in spectacular fashion. How my aunts children... ( may aunt is like may sister just a few years older ) are business owners and degreed doing extremely well.  My husband says , “ you have good kids and that’s enough .  They are good people Michelle”  Blowing past him in m