Growing up Fearless

 I didn’t write over the weekend.  Clarity often times comes at the oddest moments.   I have realized I am a difficult person. Somewhere in my core is a very strong pillar of right and wrong. It is a group of core beliefs of doing right by others that it makes me difficult to deal with.  I always am on the side of freedoms and clients that I shoot myself in the back at jobs by being difficult.  To top it off I make a lot of errors.  I can be detailed orientated but more often than not I am a big picture girl and small errors weasel their way into my work ...  I guess I feel off realizing this about myself .  I am difficult and mediocre and fail almost every time.  I always start and then have clarity in myself .. though this week I realize I am difficult to deal with because of this pillar of convictions.  I really do need this to change .  How do I go about it ? First I believe I have to get off most of social media ... I get to reading articles that burn 🔥 my soul in how wrong they

 I just finished up my writing meeting and it’s  funny how the brain feeds information , quite often lies to ourselves.  Today made me want to quit... it’s not because of anything that the absolute glorious and brilliant writing teacher said but because I feel awkward and stupid as if I don’t have the right to be zooming with anyone .  Would this be how my character feels when she is working to solve a problem that she has zero possibilities of solving ? Would she want to quit because her emotions are raw and she feels dumb even though she has self taught herself with the help of the internet ?  How do we as a collective not discuss our emotions and the fact they often times go against our brain and gut and play out in dragging us down ?  How do we not see that every person has these emotions at moments when your staring out the window wondering why you were out in this world with the little demon of hell in your brain shouting you can’t do it ?  I often think of the book of job in  th

 I have been immersed in news. I can not quit reading it .  My thumb muscles have started to ache from scrolling page over page trying to figure out how tcan I fix my life to help us as a nation get better.  How do I write a book about going to Mars when the population has gotten afraid to go to the grocery store. ?How did we become so fearful as a world that we can’t walk around smiling at friends and hugging families. It’s very discouraging trying to imagine how to create a book that celebrates humans abilities to have courage when your watching masked fear.  I get consumed by politics and news and it’s unhealthy. I let it drag me down until not only my thumbs hurt but my souls drifts off wondering why we are even here and what the point of living is . Life has gotten so easy that we don’t remember what it’s like to bury our children or really even struggle here in the US.  How do you remind people of this  , how do I remind myself of this ? How do you help them hug their family and

At times I wish my brain could turn off.  My brilliant writing coach said to just let your thoughts come out without rhyme or reason .. to get the words on paper. But how do you explain that brain is like a tumbleweed currently ... a bit dry , with large holes that rolls around past things that I want to do, need to do and gets lost in the internet rolling in the wind down YouTube videos of how to write a book in a weekend and the joys of storytelling .  How do I change the tumbleweed to a glorious ball of knowledge where I am balanced on top mostly heading the right direction ?  How do i not let my time get sucked down rabbit holes of Twitter and politics and horses? Do I need to get a system together and a schedule and adhere to it religiously? Is this where we find our balance in forcing hardship and dedication on our lives when in essence our brain is just like any other animal and constantly looking for the path of ease?  Today I decided for 17 days I am going to try this path ...

 This will have nothing to do with being fearless. This is simply my writing exercise to help create a better me for my book.  She, my glorious human coach, suggested writing about what ever whim or fancy or sadness that was my moment ... just to help the words flow better and get my creative brain functioning.  So today I write about my hurricane henri sunday ... I have worked two jobs for over a year.  It’s been hard and relentless work 7 days a week trying to catch up with getting my horse healthy and my kids through college. There are moments when I am so exhausted it wears on my nerves and I imagine they are being pulled through my skin as one does a loose thread in an old sweater. I have to remind myself that this is temporary and my husband happily took two jobs to help our families and fulfill my dreams of horse ownership at 48. So yesterday when the news again in 24 hour outrage fashion states the worst hurricane in 30!years was about to bear down on the state ,  my second job

 To the no one that is reading this, I have hired a writing coach.  The absolutely brilliant and published kind.  The one that loves the English language and has dedicated her life to writing.  Why ? Because at 49 I remember the young girl that wrote poetry about miracles and love and sadness and horses. I remember the joy of reading hours on end during my youthful summers but mostly because I have a story that won’t go away.  It’s the story that has been creeping into my thoughts for the last ten years.  Characters , moments , details all invading my brain like a molasses dripping in winter.  I have a lot of work to do as I don’t remember all the words to precisely put down what I want to convey. I do know that the story is good and with the right help anyone can accomplish more than their expected sum of what they imagine.  I just hope I don’t frustrated this writer with my inadequate levels of help needed or maybe I can torture her enough she writes a wonderful story about the confe